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Musical Neighborhood 

}i Duologue in One ScEp. 



By chas. f: pidgin 




2»»FWM1 

Copyright, 1885, by CHAS. F. PIDGIN. 

BOSTON, MASS. 

1885. 



A MUSICAL NEIGHBORHOOD, 

Characters. 

Mr. Jacob Quietman, a very nervous fidgetty old fellow, 
Mi&s Katrina Noisy, his housekeeper. 

Scene. 

- A room in a large lodging house. Windows, R. and l>. in flat, 
and, if a box sei, R. and l. of stage. Table partially set for sup* 
per L. c. with a large chair besideit. A fairly well furnished room* 

(Enter Katrina R. 1. e. with plate of bread in one hand, and a 
coffee-pot in the other.) 

Katrina* 
v (Astonished.) Not here'r Vhy i thought I heard him come in. 
Yell de dings are all hot und I'm going to put dem on de table, 
und if dey gets cold it isn't my fault. (Puts things on table and 
turns to audience.) Kis name is Quietman, but he makes de 
most fuss of any man I ever worked for. He's de most nervous 
man I ever saw in all my lire. If he hears a bit of noise he goes al- 
most crazy. If I drops a pin on de noor, he says, Katrina who's, 
dot pounding? If a dog barks, he says, dot's an earthquake; 
Katrina you'd better take de furniture oud mit de sdreet vhere 
it von't get smashed. How I did laugh last night.(JLau(/fts.)Der'& 
some man up stairs dot's got a big fiddle, und de vay he did 
shust scrape it, you vould hafe thought he vas skinning cats 
alive. Poor Mr. Quietman, he vas so oxcited, he got up on de ta- 
ble und danced, und broke de blatter, und knocked de butter on 
de floor — but he didn't break it — it vas too strong. He says if dot 
man blays dot bull-fiddle to-night he vill suicide him or murder 
himself. I hope he von't murder himself (goes to table) until I 
gets my last veek's vages. (Enter c. Mr. Quietman with bundles 
in his arms.) 

Mr. Quietman. 

Ach. Katrina, I vas late tAvo times. 



Kat. 

Ja! (Aside.) Two times dis veek. Dis is Chuesday 

Mr. Q. 
Dot supper ready? 

Kat. 
f i! (Aside.) It's got tired vaiting. 

Mr, Q. 
rot some bread? 

Kat. 
Ja! (Aside.) Sauerkraut und Limburger too. 

Mr.Q. 
(Passing bundles.) Dere is some of dot machine made hash. 
Fry it mit an onion. 

Kat. 
Ja! Ja! (Going R.) Onions is go >t. (Exit Katrina r. 1. e.) 

Mr. Q. 
Vat a noise dot girl makes ven she valkes. I might as veil live 
in a saw-mill. I dink I vill buy a trip-hammer und keep it go- 
ing in my room, — den I von't haar de noise my neighbors make. 
(Enter Katrina, B. 1. E.^with hash in plate.) 

Kat. 
It vas so fat it cooked awful quick, Ohf how it sputtered! 
(A chord on the violin is heard offstage.) 

Mr. Q. 
(Astonished.) Did dot hash do dot? 

Kat. 
Oh, my! (Drops plate.) 

Mr. Q. 
Dunder und Blitzen! Yat are you doing? 

(Party off stage plays a hideous violin solo, during which Mr, Q. 
dances up and down with rage. Katrina puts hands to ears and 
runs off stage yelling. Mr. Q. opens window and screams.) If you 
don't stop dot noise T throw myself ond mit de vindow und 
break you all to pieces. 

Foice (offstage). 
Shut up! 

Mr. Q. 
Shut up? You do it und I vill. I can do more of it dan you. can. 
I get even mit you. I'll buy a hand-organ, und a steam-engine 
und make my own music. I'll make you tired, see if I don't. 
(At this point an elocutionist is heard reciting the " Curse Scene" 
from "Richelieu.") Yoice(off stage). "Marie, where she stands — 
around her form I draw the awful circle of our solemn church! Set 
but afoot within that holy ground and on thy head — yea though 
it loore a crown — I launch the curse of Borne /" Mr. Q. imitates 
the speaker in dumb show, opening and shutting his mouth as 
though speahing, and, gesticulating wildly with his arms. Mr. Q. 
falls in a heap at end of scene. Enter Ko.trina. R. 1. E.) 

Kat. 
Did you fall oud nut yourself? 



Mr. Q. ' 

Fve done it! 

KAT. 
Vat, murdered yourself ? (Mr. Q. goes through part of "Gurse 
Scene" again.) Oh! my! He's mad, he's mad, he's mad! (Exit 
Katrina screaming, r. 1. E.) 

Mr. Q. 
(Rising.) Yes, I am mad! De next man vot speaks dies mit his 
own tongue. (A soprano voice is heard singing off stage.) Lucky 
for her she ? s a vomaxu 

(Daring song, Mr. Q. mimics her with his mouth, finally joining 
in vocally; as she reaches the high note he rushes and opens a wih- 
dow.) Go to Europe mit yourself und finish your education. 
Stay avay ten years. Den you'll know too much to practise any 
more und nobody vill hire you to sing. (Crash heard. Mr. Q. 
rushes c. with hands clasped on.top of head.) Oh! my head, my 
head! She dropped a flower pot on.it. (Bubs head and holes at 
hand.) I guess dose must have been "Sweet Violets." (Piano 
is played off stage vigorously.) I vish dot girl vas in Sharmany. 
Dere dey fines demj for de first offence, locks dem up for de 
second, und den if dey don't stop dey fills de piano full of soft 
soap. Katrina! Katrina! Vare is clot girl? (screams again.) Kat- 
rina! Katrina! (Enter Katrina, hurriedly R. 1. E.) 

Kat. 
Vat is it? Hafe you murd&*ed yourself again? 

Mr. Q. 
13 id you hear clot noise? 

Kat. 
Vat von mean, der music? 

Mr. Q. 
You call dot music? Bat would drive a man oud of der house. 

Kat. 
Dot is der widow Hoopenkoffer. She is going to be married 
again next veek. 

Mr. Q. 
Poor fellow ! He vill die mit a lunatic oemetary sooner dan a 
fortnight Katrina bring me a glass of beer. 

Kat. 
Ja. mine Herr. (Buslies out r. 1. f..) 

Mr. Q. 
Perhaps if I drinks some beer, In keep alive a little bit longer, 
und be fat ven I dies. (Enter Katrina k. 1. E. with leer, which 
she (lives to Mr. Q. o;ad which he drinks quickly. While drinking, 
a duet for Iwrns is heard outside.) Dot vas a horn too much. 
(He rushes to window and screams.) Let up on dot. (He draws 
in his head suddenly.) Oh! Katrina dey hafe dropped de vater 
pail. (The horns keep on playing. A cornet joins in the din. Mr. 
Q. rushes to another window and screams.) Dr} r oud mit dot. 
(KaPrina laughs heartily. Mr. Q. goes raving around the stage. 
A. boss viol, skip drum, and ' cello join m the uproar, while 
several parties also begin singing.j 



Mr. Q. 
Katrina, I goes mad if dey don't stop dot Wagner music. G6 
bring me dot tin box behind der stove. 

Kat. 
Vat is dot? 

[Mr. Q. 
It vos dynamite. I drop dot box down mit der garden, Xmd 
blow dis house und all its beoples sky high. 

Kat. 
But I don't vant to be killed. Vhy can't ve make a noise, und 
drive dem crazy? My beau, Hans Vanderhoof , blays mit der 
band, und he left his triangle und bass drum here until he 
goes oud mit der torchlights to-night. 

Mr. Q. 
Dot vas a goot idea. You try der drum, I'll triangle. (Katrina 
runs out R. 1. e.) Ye'll catch dem. Perhaps dot widow vill come 
down to see how to do a goot job of pounding mit der drum 
stick. (All the instruments and voices join in a terrible din off 
stage. Enter Katrina with triangle andtdrum stick in hand, and 
pulling bass drum after her. Mr. Q. grabs triangle and begins 
striking it while Katrina pounds the bass drum. The uproar is 
hept up for a short time when suddenly the other lodgers enter 
with musical instruments in their hands and, look at Katrina and 
Mr. Q. who keeps on pounding vigorously. Katrina and Mr. Q. 
look up suddenly and see the intruders. Katrina drops drum stick 
and Mr. Q. the triangle.) I thought dot vould bring dem Katrina. 

Other Parties (in unison). 
What do you mean by making such a confounded noise? 

Mr. Q. 
(Astonished) Me make a noise? Dot vas cheek. 

One of the Party, 
(Pointing to bass drum.) That's not cheek, that's a bass drum, 
and it makes more noise than all the folks in the house. 

Mr. Q. 
I vas glad of dot. I vas afraid you couldn't hear it. 

Others (in unison). 
We heard it. J We couldn't hear anything else. 

*t*Mr. Q. 
Dot vas de reason ve kept it up, because I didn't vant to hear 
you. You stop your noise, I'll stop mine. - 

Others. 
But we must practice; 

Mr. Q. 
So must ve/ 

One of the Party, . 
A drum is not a parlor instrument. 

Mr. Q. 
I don't live in der parlor. 

Others. 
Well this noise must stop. What are you going to do about it? 



Mr. Q. 
I tole you vot ve had better do about it. Ve vill form a *A Lodg- 
ing House Mutual Improvement Musical Society" and blay de 
same piece at de same time. Yat do you dink of dot idea? 

Others (in unison). 
That is a good idea. 

Mr. Q. 
I am a Quietman* tind I vill lead der orchestra. My house- 
keeper, Katrina Noisy 5 vill blay der bass drum* und der triangle, 
und you vill all blay your respective insdruments. Vas you all 
agreed? 

Others (in unison, with hud voices), 
"WVare, we are! 

Finale. (Brass Band.) 

CURT AIK. 



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